She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint... my... house."

good one

tough crowd, ok hows about another whore joke:
So this guy goes to the neighborhood whorehouse and asks the receptionist for the cheapest, dirtiest whore they have, the clerk sends him into room 3, he walks in and the chick is just sitting there naked and quiet, he's excited cause he can just fuck her and leave, so he fucks her and as soon as he cums, a disgusting pus-like fluid starts oozing from every orifis(spelling?) of her body. The guy quickly gets dressed and runs back to the receptionist and explains the situation. She goes on the intercom and says, "Maintainence to room 3, the dead one's full again."

A mother was in labor for twenty-four hours. The doctor had been with her for the whole time, and he finally saw the head. He told the mother, "Okay, just push some more". Soon, the first arm came out, and CRACK!!! He broke the baby's arm. The mother screamed. "Don't worry ma'am, it's all right" the doctor said. So she pushed some more, and the second arm came out, and SNAP!!! The doctor broke it, too. "Don't worry ma'am, everything's fine" the doctor said.

But at this point, the mother was screaming bloody murder.

Next, he just ripped the baby out, and then yanked the placenta out. He ripped off the umbelical chord, and then started kicking the shit out of the baby. The mother was too weak to do anything but scream. So the doctor grips the baby by the feet and starts smashing it against the wall, sending blood, brain, and shards of bone everywhere

The mother was hysterical, and screamed, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??? YOU'RE KILLING MY BABY!!!"

The Doctor started cracking up, and laughed out, "Ha Ha, April Fool's Day!!! It was already dead!!!"

jddomination thank u cuz I forgot how that joke went and menstraul that was fucked up haha

Anyone know what's funnier than a dead baby?

What do you get when you drop kick a dead baby down a flight of steps?


Hard.

JDDomination said:

A dead baby on fire?

JDDomination said:

thats fucking hysterical.

here's a conversation stopper:

Why do women have babies?






Because it hurts and they deserve it.

I met a Matt Hooker at a bar.

menstrual_sweatpants_disco said:

I would piss myself right now if my old prostate was working.

One day a hooker went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.

The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.

She said she'd have to go home and think about it and that she'd call him back in a hour with her occupation.

An hour later she called him and said, "I've got it... I'm a chicken farmer."

He said, "How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution."

She said, "I raised over a thousand cocks last year."