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:	post by menstrual_sweatpants_disco at 2007-05-30 10:03:48

I'm going to have to post Doug of Existence's "Things not to say..." jokes that he wrote.

Things not to say in a skinhead bar . . .
"C’mon. I’m sure that if I sucked your cock you’d come like every other fag."

Things not to say when you get pulled over by a cop . . .
"Hey, Ponch. Lemme save you some time. The truck’s stolen and I’m high. Now hurry up and scribble out that ticket before all the smoke gets out."
"I was speeding? Thank goodness. I thought you pulled me over because you saw me back there dumping out that bucket of hands."
"Shit! Sorry, officer. I left my license on the nightstand this morning. Do you happen to have a phone I could call your mother with?"
"It’s not my fault I ran that light, sir. As I began to ejaculate I spilled whiskey on my balls."

Things not to say to an adoption agent . . .
"Well, my husband and I had our hearts set on an infant, but if there are only toddlers available we don’t mind. The recipe only calls for the fingers."
"Hey, honey. I don’t have any ID. I just need one of them young cum canteens for about twenty minutes. Snap to it! I’m on lunch."

Things not to say while on a job interview . . .
"Hi, I’m here for the . . . You know what? Fuck you and your small talk. Where’s my desk?"
"Sorry I’m late, but you should get used to that type of thing with me."
"If I bend over do I get benefits?"
"Sometimes when I’m sober I work real well."
"Yeah! I wanna job. Are you fucking deaf?"
"I really don’t want to do any work. I just need a new place to masturbate."
"I know this is a very delicate and detail oriented position. Does it matter that I shake sometimes for ten minutes straight?"
"I’ll show you a position I’d like to fill."

Things not to say to your date’s father . . .
"Don’t kiss her goodnight until she brushes her teeth."
"Don’t worry pops. I only banged her in the ass so she’s still a virgin."
"That whore got hymen blood all over my car seat! You’re getting the cleaning bill, buddy."
"Hey, I got a bone to pick with you, Jack. Your daughter spit cum all over my sweater. Here’s the cleaning bill."

Things not sa to say during your first sexual experience . . .
"Shut up bitch! I’m not raping you."
"Hey, stink-ass. Ever hear of douche?"
"I can’t wait until I’m finished with you so I can get back to shellacking my Erector-set model of the USS Enterprise."

Things not to say to a dying person . . .
"I know you’re in a lot of pain, but look at it this way . . . I feel great!"
"Not to make things any worse, but I’ve been fucking your wife. And oh, by the way, Lucy isn’t really your daughter either."
"There seems to be no reason why you couldn’t live for 2-3 more years. But you’ll have to carry your bowels and lower intestines around in a chilled Thermos."

Things not to say in an elevator . . .
"If we get stuck in here you know I’m going to eat you to survive. Right?"

Things not to say while at a funeral or a wake . . .
"Wow! That truck really fucked him up, huh?"
"Well at least you’ll save some money on diapers."
"Look. Let’s stop pretending any of us gave a flyin’ fuck about her when she was alive, okay? Where’s the buffet?"
"Oh God, look! He’s breathing! April Fools!"
"We will all miss him dearly. What was that prick’s name again?"
"You could have saved a shit load of money if you just let me dump ‘em down the river."

Things not to say on a first date . . .
"Breath mints aren’t that new of an invention."
"Before I buy you dinner I need to know if you’re gonna blow me later?"
"Mom says I’m a great lay!"
"Yikes! Good thing I masturbated before I picked you up."
"I’d fuck ya. But I must be honest. I’ll be thinking about someone else."

Things not to say while on trial . . .
"Personally, I think all judges are fags."
"Whoa! You mean I’m not being tried for that little boy I fucked?"
"By the way, did you happen to find my stash of crack in that dead Girl Scout’s cunt?"
"Does fucking your daughter help my chances at getting parole?"

Things not to say at the pearly gates of Heaven . . .
"Yeah, that nun I sodomized said I was going to Hell. I’m here for a second opinion."

Things not to say to your to your patients (if you're a gynecologist) . . .
"Yes. I know. I get that all the time. But seriously, this new tool only feels like a penis."
"Holy shit that’s a hairy snatch! Sorry. I mean . . . wow, look at that bush!"
"Don’t worry. I don’t get as aroused doing this as I used to."
"Christ, that smell ruined a perfectly good hard on."
"Yes, I am sorry. But it is imperative that I see if my fist fits entirely into your vagina."
"Now hold still, please. I’m coming."

Things not to say to your patients (if you're a pediatrician) . . .
"This is gonna hurt like a bitch!"
"It’s funny how your parents brought you here to see if you’re sick. Considering that they don’t love you."
"Okay, take a deep breath. By the way, did you know that Santa’s fake?"

Things not to say to your patients (if you're a dentist) . . .
"As soon as the anesthesia takes effect, I will proceed to rub my cock against the roof of your mouth."
"Not to worry. I’m not too drunk to do a root canal."
"Good news is that I can take the damaged tooth out today. The bad news for you is that I’m going to punch you in the mouth so hard I might knock some of the good ones out too."
"Uh-oh! I did it again, silly me. I forgot to clean the tools after that scurvy ridded leper came in for a check up. I don’t think I used this tool yet."

Things not to say to your high sschool students . . .
"I understand that you can’t afford anything to write with. Well everyone knows that your father wastes all your family’s money on underage Haitian prostitutes."

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